I saw a caricature two days ago that read, “Divorce is like algebra. You look at the variable X and ask about the value of Y. ”
When I ask people who are divorced about what they will change next time, the first answer I usually get is, “Not marrying from the start!” Good jokes. Divorce is a time of stress and sadness that takes a little joke of laughter and also it is good to calm the soul. Humor reduces anxiety and stress. However, basically the question is a serious request to get an honest answer.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “It is wrong and immoral if a person is trying to avoid the consequences of his actions.”
Often we hear the term of responsibility when it comes to the other side in our divorce. We hear, “He has to take responsibility for his affair,” or “He needs to be accountable for his drunkenness.” What about your own personal responsibility? ”
It is easy to blame others, and say that all accountability lies with them. I understand that. Rest assured, I understand it. But we also have that responsibility for ourselves to reverse the mirror and recognize what our individual responsibilities are.
I have often said that if you go through a divorce, even if you have done nothing wrong (so easily said), you still have a responsibility for yourself to self-inspect and ask what you should have changed. If we do not ask ourselves this question, how can we be better individually, even in other personal relationships, or in future romantic relationships, marriages, or partnerships? What can we learn about what we are going through that will make us better as we move forward in life?
For some, such introspection will result in the realization that they do not give priority to their partners. The result can be the awareness that others have taken precedence (work, children, parents, friends, hobbies by always hoping that the couple will wait patiently).
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The result may be the awareness that you stop letting small, interesting things at the beginning of your marriage remain small, and instead allowing it to be a big deal that leads to a wide-eyed, angry, constantly blaming, and contentious eye.
The result can be the sense that you are getting tired of being someone who is always trying and that you end up giving up and stop exerting the energy and oxygen needed in your marriage to survive.
It can also mean that you have stopped taking care of yourself, that you stopped trying to stay healthy, and you stopped to be impressed for your spouse as you did on a first date or early marriage, and just hope that they will understand it.
My request today is to challenge each of us to question our own actions and to find out what things are our responsibility and about what we can consider ourselves to be responsible. You do not have to share this with others; just make sure that you are honest with yourself about what you might have done differently or what you believe needs to be changed in the future.
I’m not saying that this is easy. In fact, it’s hard to do especially when you feel that you’re innocent in your divorce case. I heard people say, “It’s not me who is lying. It was not me who squandered all our money. It was not me who decided not to want children. I did not change. “Then they said,” so I’m not responsible in any way about our divorce. “Probably true, and probably not.
I think we can all learn a thing or two about who we really are, what makes us contribute, or what role we have played as part of the cause of failed marriage. Responsibility is not about individual misconduct or about separating the two of you. It is about reaping life experiences and learning from them. If you do not learn from your mistakes, you will continue to do so. Reversing the mirror and finding your own personal responsibility is only a part of it. It answers who or what; You still need a role